It is how we see ourselves? Or how all the others see us?
I suppose I’ve been in midst of one. Again. I suppose everyone goes through them. Periodically, until we fall down under the dirt. All this wondering about who. And the subsequent how and why. Though this wouldn’t be called a crisis. More just a query of a more intense nature. I’ve had crises before, all shapes and forms. Bet I’ve got a few more left in me as well. Just not now.
But still, I often, and more importantly, currently wonder about identity. First about the whole concept all together. Being seen from inside or out and other sorts of judgements. Then I wonder about my own, which easily has more doubt.
And perhaps this is not really a crisis from the outside. Unless my delusion is total over my perception- I think other folks vaguely dig me. I dare say, a few may even love me. Which is nice. And also, a sign of not being a total dildo. Which is also nice.
Or it may find its stability from within. Though I know well the troubles there, even if only in shadow. A most others cannot see. But so it goes with point of view. You can never truly know what another being thinks. Of themselves, you or other folk. As they may never truly know whoever you are reading this. But I understand, it being worth a try and all. We’ve all tried digging, perhaps is some separate soul’s eyes.
But to totally sell out to the most neutral of ideas, I confess- it is probably both that make up an identity. What you see and what is seen. Half the self you make, half the self the others must take.
It likely sways dependence on what genre of identity you choose to take. Most of us have numbers assigned somewhere to ourselves. Regarding economic, societal and other such statuses. Bank accounts and net worth. Ranks in organizations. Those sorts of things.
But with a change of a mood, or another whiskey, memory may play heavy in who we think we are. What has happened to us. What we’ve done or failed to do. Who has come and gone. Those sorts of things can influence behavior tremendously. Just watch the news. What broken souls are we. And what beauty. If you ever get a chance to enjoy the company of other humans, particularly good, decent ones, I highly advise you capitalize.
Or is it knowledge? That vast category of human achievement, that is but mere peanuts or less to the whole of the universe. If I knew that math, I could probably tell you that it is even smaller than all that.
But for beasts who know nothing, we’ve managed to learn a few things. Made things that go fast. Get hot or cold. Things that fly, or at least can fight against a single planet’s gravity. We know, though we’re always learning more, a bit about all those biological plumbing factors that keep our bodies moving. Hell, we’ve even got ways to temporarily remove one’s self from this plane of consciousness. Some wild stuff and so much more to know.
So, does that make us who we are? What we know? Feel? Remember? How we are ranked by systems or people? Or the compassion we invoke or repel?
I don’t know. At least not in terms of a very big ‘who’.
The small who- I’m working on.
There’s been progress. But still a way to go. I know a few things about myself. Some I’m pretty sure of. Others still in question. Some things were one way and have since changed. And perhaps I am slow to change with them, but I think meself a bit faster than average. Even if not by much.
I know my faults and strengths, though sometimes I can be a bit dramatic. Mostly internally. A nice balance between brooding and dancing. Two important things for souls to do.
And I work to know things outside myself. I have a few skills, some getting more and more refined. And I feel I know a few people. Not in totality, as was mentioned before as impossible. But I know my friends. I’ve known love. I am beginning to know my daughter. As she begins to know herself. Which is elegantly bonkers.
Even my numbers are alright. Not the best, but not the worst.
So, I don’t know how you can know yourself, but I trust you can figure it out. At least a little bit. You do have to try other things. Be ready for some change and know that some change you will never be ready for but will happen all the same.
How you can do this- is all up to you. And the means you have at your disposal, which in and of itself is unique to each soul and not a permanent stature. But trust yourself, just as much as you can. And trust a small few others, if you’re lucky to have such beings around.
Or buy a drum kit. I did. Set up right in my bedroom. An interesting experiment, but my home has not become anymore of a place for entertaining guests since its addition. Or perhaps, only entertaining the right kind of guest.
But my landlord doesn’t know. I don’t think that needs to change. So far, so good.