Is it that summer feeling, or just the hints of romantic nihilism in the air? While some late vernal percussive precipitation makes its brief entrance and participation, only to exit as swift as arrived, leaving me with wonders ancient, post-modern and far beyond even those rapidly shrinking categories of mind. The cooling atmosphere on sun-soaked skin while I try and ignore the moments I had wished to stay.

Obliged to say such things, when the mild delirium of exhaustion between professional and personal labors leaves me in this almost purgatory called Monday. Were it called by any other name, etc.

Thinking of my burdens, in at least a partially positive way. The difficulties that have shaped the mind pouring out before you now. This estranged nature that my existence has wrought as compared to a great many of my peers and how despite the isolation, I prefer it this way. A dull existence it would be, seeking and being granted the exact thing some far-off self would have claimed as necessary. Give me some chaos to outmaneuver, or to fight away, all head and heart led. Allows me to better treasure the fleeting sparks of being, even when minuscule in their stay. A worthy challenge enticing the will to be, while the minimal types leave my attention far from swayed.

Yet, I ponder.

Does being able to bear such grievous loads mean that I must for the entirety of my personal eternity? While all around me wonder inspires instead, or in spite of me? Am I but a steppingstone for others to find their ambitions, whether I am dismayed or not?

In times away from idyllic, the lonely mentalities hold court over each breath, bated, and thought, debated by ways of in or outwardly persuasion. Not feelings of quit, but the deep sighs of acceptance that in this onward moving timeline, even the things desired most might get left behind for the benefit of some nearly imperceptible greater benevolence.   

Or that this is all just some classic ego self-defense. Turning the energy of my existential enemies back upon itself, to keep from some mortal metaphysical harm.

And whether there is any truth in fate, it becomes increasingly clear that ‘once was’ must make way for ‘what is still to be’, no matter the might of any clinging. Choices get made or get made for us, and the rippling consequences pave the path, even if only step by step towards the fog of future, no matter how clear and concise a particular day might seem.

Enough decisions made, intended or otherwise, and any path can become inescapable. While other trails grow in impossibility, no matter how visible they might seem from this current point of standing. And all the reflection upon former hopes trend towards lesser availabilities, knowing full well that all options run away, on a long enough timeline, with the tininess of the average homosapien’s not being forgotten, even when fantastically pushed away.  

So, I listen back to the band that never was, moving onward if for nothing else, just because.

Today is a holiday, at least in this nation made of states. One that might be perceived as divisive, these days, whether justified or not. I think it should never lose a sense of somber, no matter political persuasion. It remembers the dead, perhaps of a certain variety, but the dead all the same. It is a sad enough thing to know that eventually we all fall away. And even more tragic, knowing that it was caused by conflict with our fellow planet dwellers.

All hopped up on whatever ideology, a life cut short by violence that could have for all otherwise matters remained, is a tragedy. One that we can never seem to be escaping, at least not according to a few millennia of recorded history. And I’d assume for further back in time before pen and pad, or chisel and stone, and so forth.

Driving home from a long stretch at work, I noticed an older fellow taking a picture of some massive version of our national flag hung from a crane using a device slave labor made, at least in part. And me, thinking so arrogantly that anything I do within similar means is anything much better. Neither of us solving any problems in some massive way. Just gesturing while the mechanism that made such a world continue to decay, in all sorts of apolitical ways.

It is harder to be non-polarized in a world that seems to pull away from itself more each day. It is easier to fall in line with some side of the divide than it is to stand against the general repulsion and seek lasting ways of unification. Also, dangerous, as generally speaking, throughout history, the individuals that seek to bring us towards some greater oneness, usually meet their end by aggressive outside forces. Status quo movers and shakers. You know the types.

Conspiratorial thought often lends to some intricate inner workings that sculpt the actions and events of the world of yesterday, today and tomorrow. But of that, I have my doubts. Not that plans don’t get made, either towards empire or independence, some of them being incredibly well-thought and systematic. But there is too much unpredictability in both the human condition and our natural world at large to ever truly believe that all of what will soon be history is so neatly preordained. Opportunistic isn’t the best of chess moves, but try it often enough and something might stick.

This is not to claim that there isn’t evil, or at least benignly adjacent folks among us. Plenty of those who hold powers in all sorts of ways over the laypeople nation upon nation, continent and so on, have at minimum selfish intentions despite any harm caused to others. And some, I’m certain, are so removed from the collective reality that their levels of denial might be borderline apocalyptic. Sometimes with nothing but charisma in place of any wits. Machiavellian in morality, even when lacking in intelligence.

But, anyway.

Perhaps I sell all this philosophy shit too short, or abuse the principles upon which such stance are made, simply through the means of overuse. All this could be another episode of self-aggrandizement. But I don’t imagine that I’d keep returning if there wasn’t something genuine to be found each week. And even the slightest chance that these rambles might serve someone besides, of course, your humble narrator.

There is still a wish to squeeze more from this day fading to night. So, thankfully the free day allowed me to begin and subsequently end this latest babbling session with time left still until my mind retires until the next anticipated dawn. Holding out a reasonable hope that tomorrow might bring one, as it did today. And the day before that, as well.

Still, I am always in some constant state of thought, alone as much as I ever am. And my desire for life leaves my mind in occasional terror. Not when it counts, only in the moments of low danger, which can make up so much of these sentient days. Paralyzed by ponderings, thinking up the deepest holes to reside in when my heart cries out to accomplish so much otherwise.

So, at the very least these provide an insurance policy of temporary discipline. Which isn’t worth nothing, me thinks.

So, again, ever onward. Attempting to revel in my past mistakes while making way and looking forward to all the new ones yet to be made. All this wisdom, earned about the hard ways. And hoping anything here was worth saying, and if not, might be next week we start getting into those more cataclysmic revelations.

We shall see, won’t we?