Been thinking about being lost within my own life. I’d rather not be thinking that, but it cannot be helped sometimes. And this is certainly one of those times. And if that is the way I’m thinking, it wouldn’t be hard to extrapolate as to how I might be feeling.

I’ll see if I can’t write my way out of it. Though I may just be growing the abyss. I hold the capability for either.

Might be there has been too much dilution and distraction, or maybe not enough, but facing such existential quandaries so often appears to be, and, truly are wrought with peril. Perhaps this explains my addiction to overthinking and the audacity of dream. The thrill of being alive intertwined with the why and what the fuck being alive even means.

Finished a book last night. Really, just a typed-out conversation between two twentieth century intellectual titans. Thoroughly enjoyable and enlightening, and had it caught me at some other time, might have even inspired some optimism. But at this moment, it at the very least helped me to keep my head above water. Though at other times reading through, I may have engaged in some metaphysical internalized scoffing.

But the interviewee, real smart dude, had this line he would keep repeating. About finding your bliss. Ideas of the pursuit of true happiness and not things as frivolous as just excitement, or the lot. Not that I haven’t so often confused the two, on several occasions. That you need to find moments when you are truly happy and spend a life in engagement within them. Even he said, no easy task, even if simple in explanation.

But then, I think more on it. And probably overthink it again, and so on, etc. And the conclusion gets drawn that certain this cannot be possible for all. Maybe even most. Perhaps it is a rarity for one to ever be able to ‘find their bliss.’

And of course, what if your bliss and my bliss don’t like each other so much? What if they exist in direct opposition to each other? Or one must cede for the other to be?

But what if that pursuit of bliss inhibits others? Or worse, hurts them? What then?

Can you tell I haven’t slept well? Work. Overnight. With a cluttered mind. But duty calls.

And of course, all that overthinking tends to get theatrical, even if correctly so. But my life is not blissless, even if it is difficult. Exhaustingly so, at times. Even when I choose in moments of folly or underthinking, to make my life more difficult. That might be an ingredient in this whole conundrum this here writer is encountering. Not seeing the forest or a tree because I’m too goddamn busy staring at my shoes feeling bad for myself.

There is guilt, though. In my mind and heart. And not all of it irrational. Plenty earned. Maybe most of it justified. Maybe all. Certainly the way it feels amidst heavy bouts of shoe staring. But whatever the justification of the guilty minds and emotions, they must be dealt with. Corrected. Atoned for. Go ahead, pick your favorite.

There was another line, last night, I read. Finished another book as well, because, you know, why sleep? Poetry, this one was.

‘The ladder you’re looking for starts not on the ground, but several feet below it.’

Ask me the writer, and I’ll tell you. Better poet than a novelist. The other guy, in that other book talked about poetry, as well. What did he say?

It was, ‘poetry is a language that has to be penetrated. Poetry involves precise choice of words that will have implications and suggestions that go past the words themselves.’

Maybe that’s my problem. Too much poetry. Or not enough. But whatever the current amount has been, is certainly incorrect.

Also, if it hasn’t become abundantly clear already- I have no idea what to think or write right now. Not in this place. This cathedral of bullshit I have made for me to self-indulge in this specific personality.

Looking for truth through words? Get real. Kick rocks with that act, buddy.

In many ways, I feel further from the truth than I’ve ever been. Whatever the fuck it is that true is anyway. All this knowledge creating an imperceptibility of being.

Truth is that some things cannot change once set in motion. The truth is I’m trying my best and still failing constantly. The truth is my lack of bliss is no one else’s fault. I am neither victim nor hero. Only the myths I tell myself to make sense of all the otherwise out there in this existence. The truth is I don’t want to be defined by my limitations, but they cannot be ignored or cast aside. I made the choices that landed me here. Well, yours truly and his sidekick, the indifferent universe.

Truth is that I’m sitting here writing this now, out of habit. Because this is the day that I do this thing. If there is truth to be got at this evening, creative or otherwise, I don’t think I’ll be getting it here. Apologies if that was what you were hoping for. Apologies all around, folks.

Maybe I’ll find something with some other mask that the guy in the mirror likes to change between. He has a few. And costumes. You never see any of us in the same place, at the same time.

Or maybe just get some rest, and try this whole life routine out again tomorrow, maybe with better success.

There are some things I know, though. I think.

I know if there is change that must be, it comes from within. And with time, these impossible moments might be entirely forgotten, though some of them will certainly last. Sometimes, a lifetime. No less.

And sometimes, you still get the gifts from elsewhere, even when seeming so doomed and hopeless just dumb and useless in general. Like the Shel Silverstein poem my daughter recited to me this afternoon. It involved chaos and a peanut butter sandwich. So maybe the poetry isn’t so bad. You just need to find the right kind for the right moment. Or even if you get lucky every once in a while, it finds you.

 That and some exercise, helped ease my heart. For the moment. Which sometimes is all you need to get to the next one. Moment. Day. Year. Eon, and so on.

     I’m sure I’ve got plenty down left to get at, probably even before the day is done. And ready and fresh to start again in the morning. But for now, your humble narrator will cease with this here. Neutral is pretty much my optimistic at the moment. No need to push it.

We can always spiral elsewhere.