This evening, I wonder.

Go figure.

The truth is, if there even such a thing, that it never really ceases. The wonder. And perhaps that term is incorrect, or at least I could see how it could be perceived not exactly as intended. The word wonder implies a certain positivity, doesn’t it? And it isn’t that such ponderings upon the inside of my skull are not as wonderful as the accepted vernacular might suggest, but they aren’t always. Though nothing is always, right? Even this vast universe that exists far beyond this simple little simian mind of mine through both space and time- it too, they say, has an expiration.

So, perhaps, ponder might be better, even if that association might seem a bit juvenile. I believe it important to always be a certain amount of childlike our entire lives, though some methods are certainly more acceptable and beneficial than others.

So, I think. And therefore, I write. No longer, necessarily, believing that some answers might arise, but just to not shove away these thinkings into some undisclosed location of mind to only be forgotten until the festering becomes something that can no longer be ignored. I have played that game before, a couple of times, and I can assure you, as you might already know yourself- it always ends up a losing one.

It is a curious thing though, this life, in all its glory and horror. And holding even this primitive sentience within it provokes a pensive posture inside all the fickle and finite infatuation with and within ourselves. Boiled down, the same word always arrives. The first and last stop of any and every philosophy, from the ancient and revered, right to this yeoman moaning in the age of intrepid and inexhaustible distraction. And it is-

Why?

Why, oh, why? Cried your humble narrator.

Forgive me for being misconstruing. I have no intention of leading you on to believe that an answer is in store. Not from wishing to withhold such information from you, dear reader. If the answer was within my possession, I would surely share it. Though far from perfect, I have managed to keep myself from total mostrification, at least for now. So, trust me, if you would, to assure you if I ever find the answers, or answer, you’ll be the first to know.

It could be the weariness of this current world of ours. Attacked and affronted in a constant stream from all conceivable and inconceivable angles alike. And that coming from a fellow still living a comfortable existence in a privileged demographic at the center of general global prosperity, as it still seems to stand. But as with so much else in this human world, even the foundations that we have grown, perhaps ignorantly, to trust over the times that encompass my particular lifetime, seem to be faltering. And how that is occurring is different depending on the perspective you might be putting the inquiry towards and from. Which, of course, is a wild enough phenomenon itself. For two individuals to agree that things might be getting worse, and yet the manner in which that is occurring is diametrically opposed from each perspective- well, that’s about as human as some things get. With the most insane part of that being both might be entirely wrong, while being somewhat right. Something that we have become conditioned to ignore, especially in this ‘technological’ infested world. Ideas all bastardized from sources and context snubbed in order to serve some purpose proposed and accepted unconditionally. (See heavily armed and aggressive Christians, economic preachers ignorant of mathematics and actualities of production, and armchair historians who failed such classes in their primary, secondary, and/or tertiary educations).

But the times seem to be moving at a rate beyond processing, and before a moment is granted to attempt to understand what has occurred, a multitude of other events and objectives arise, all seeming to reenforce each of these herd identities further down the paths they were already marching down, which all seem to be stemming and streaming further and further from some coalesced center. And were you to say that such a claim justifies the perspective you personally hold, then I rest my case. No one is so right that they never have to listen or attempt to understand another. We become so guarded, it seems, of ideas we find appealing, or have been entrusted or burdened with from our ancestors, that instead of hoping to know why someone might think something else, we instead seek to shore up our disgusts and disdain of that which opposes or negates that which we instinctively or habitually believe.

Maybe I’m just behind the eight ball on all this, as it were. Or maybe, I’m just attempting to distract myself further from my own existence by resting my mind upon some well worded verse and prose of this amateur ideologue I call a self.

All of this, just another exercise in expanding and abbreviating my own vanity. Like how when my hair starts to look its best, I know it is time to cut it.

But I’ll abstain from the internal aggression a bit and cut myself some slack. I could be doing better, sure. But I’m not doing so bad, overall. And as far as I can tell, none of my ideas or emotions are evil, even when they are being base, selfish or primitive. Which makes sense, since this species has only evolved for so many generations, as far as the whole of time goes.

And although this isn’t the only time our human history has been feeling a dissolution of hope (I had always been good in history class, and continue to study the subject as a hobby, so of this I am as certain of as any record can ever assure us), there is a uniqueness to the consistency of input. Literally, at any moment, you can feed into a vast array of inputs, be they malevolent, benevolent or benign, from anywhere in the world or from within this cyberspace that seems to be expanding of our making, despite limited knowledge and perhaps total lack of control. There was a time, not all that long ago generationally or geologically speaking, that information, or misinformation, had slower means of making the rounds. Forget all the perceived ‘lost’ integrity often associated with the means of societal expression of yesteryear, the more blunt truth is that it took more time for facts and fictions to float from person to person, even in the early dawns of mass communication. Because for all the ‘back in my day’ and ‘things used to be better’ folks, I believe that falsehoods and sensationalism always move faster.

What was it that Sammy Clemens said?

‘A lie can travel halfway around the world before the truth can get it’s shoes on.’

Want to hear something funny? Poetic irony really. I always believed that quote was from Twain, but the instant access to ‘information’ the internet has provided me says that isn’t even true. Could have been him, or Churchill, or Jonathan Swift, or whoever else, because I didn’t even go that far into the investigation before abandoning that particular quest. So, I guess whoever said it, or wrote it, or whatever- well done. Its very existence is paradoxical proof of its validity. Isn’t that something?

But to conclude, for now, I suppose we must hold on to hope. And maybe hope is just another one of those constructs that we make for ourselves, from within ourselves, but that doesn’t reduce its importance. And it fails, this idea of hope. This much I know historically, ideologically and personally. But without it, it is all just the void. And even if that is where we are all destined to end up, we aren’t there quite yet. I am not, and if you’re reading this, neither are you. So, stand, we must, because eventually it all falls away. I’ll help you, if I can, as best I can. And I’ll do my darndest to accept the help that might be offered me, though I have a bad habit with such integrations.

Anyway, until next week. I hope it is good for you, though I suppose, it would be arrogant to make any promises on that. But as a human, I am subject to the occasional arrogance.