There she is. My nemesis. My muse. My inescapable sensation to forever be drawn yet again to here, to her.

That blank page, locking eyes and looking through every part of my being including parts unknown. And as always, my efforts will be made to cover up that bountiful and beautiful abyss with these lettered formulations of thought. Fully aware of the futility, for as once this is buried in words- it is only a matter of time until I seek her anew. The empty page, drawing me in, again. As though some siren succumbed ship, I blissfully steer this vessel of identity towards some jagged shore without even the promise of some ultimate peaceful landing. And even now, after all this time and trial and historically invoked trepidation, I wish for no alternative coast.

Still, I seek to challenge my own might and mettle, tempting attempted capsizing, just to see what might be. And better for it, me thinks. Because this life does not get easier, but we can get stronger.

Sure doesn’t always seem that way though, does it?

There may be a term for the addiction to youthful ideals while time continues to pass through this body and bring about its increasing age. Most folks don’t seem to commit to the bit of impossible ambitions as your humble narrator seems to. Might be a byproduct of other ambitions being met. Ahead of my generation in a good many ways, perhaps it is the fruits of my labors and privileges that allows even this modicum of space for these quixotic rambles and stances. Who knows, maybe that is set to dry up sooner than I might realize or am willing to admit. The hermit sabbatical bout from my place of employment had only been broken as of late to engage in annual Celtic based celebrations. So, I haven’t been paying attention to the news. What little bits I have, don’t suggest that any much of anything seems to be getting better. Irresponsible, perhaps, but if I never diluted myself at all, I doubt I would be able to muster the might for any of my benevolent delusions.

But even in my willful ignorance, changes have been noticed. The fiduciary cost of maintaining the existence I have has been increasing. And you’re never going to believe this, but somehow, the wages upon which this is sustained have not increased. Not even an inch in reduced proportion, they have not increased at all. Bet you’d say the same. And if not, I would have to ask you to inquire as to the morality of the means of capital gains by which you sustain yourself. Those who benefit from chaos and dismay increasing, well, they’re never who we would call good folks. Though, insanely enough, certain propaganda and persuasions have plenty of folks believing that the robber barons of our time are here for their benefit. Maybe some people like to get tread on. Not here to kink shame, but just because you like something doesn’t mean you have to force it upon everyone else.

Perhaps you read that and it invokes something in you. Vague enough, we all align with ideas inherited and rejected in order to form our view of the world. Remember this, though, dear reader- if in the discussion of ideas you veer towards an emotional response, you are weakening the strength and legitimacy of the intellectual aspect of your mental formulations. If your ideas cannot be hit with precise resistance and bombardment and survive, I cannot see how they were worth all that much to begin with. And if in the defense of those ideas, you yourself revert to an inconsolable and outlashing psychological state, your stances are likely less evolved than you might perceive them. Not that emotion is void in this arena, for it certainly is not. But if such states cannot be overcome then, well, we might as well still be hitting each other over the head with sticks and stones.

There does seem to be a common thread, though, in how we are dealing with these seemingly very historic times. In the western world, at least, whatever the hell that even means at this point in the species history. But the common thread seems to be this nostalgia addiction for both blame and solution. Trust me, you do it too. Even if you think you don’t, you probably do. That somewhere in the past of varying space and degrees, that something was better, or that the correct answer was missed and now we are on a path misguided ever since. That if we could get back, or if we could make the choice that was right instead of the horrors we incurred- that everything would be better. And as an active but amateur peruser of history, I think I can tell you this- the past is just that, it has passed. And whatever was applicable to whatever way back when you want to decide, that is no longer the case. So, if you want to think you can make whatever great again, or that class warfare based upon some place that you never lived in an era that you certain didn’t live is the answer, I’ll make this abundantly and explicitly clear. You are wrong.

Go ahead, wear a stupid hat if you want, or stand in a parking lot with a bunch of signs and people who already agree with you so you can take a picture and share it with who gives a fuck across the expanding cyber wasteland that is consuming your time and resources to give you superficial and low dose dopamine while it drinks the water that you should be. And there are spaces between and beyond both of those not very vague portrayals, but it allows the understandable and exploited dichotomy to be analogized.

The issue isn’t within some restoration of what was. And although there are plenty of reasons as to why whatever brand of return you think you want, or don’t even realize that a return is what you seek- nothing can ever bring back what time has consumed. The issue is and has always been, what do we do next?

     I do not, at least as of yet, have an answer to that. Nor, do I imagine that you hold one, exactly. But that’s the thing about it though, isn’t it? The ideas of the future, hell, the very future itself is still ahead and requires reaching for attainment. I’ll tell you this, I’d be willing to talk about it. That might be the hardest part of these overly connected yet reverting tribal times of ours. The brainstorming seems to be diminished. The creativity and problem solving that has produced both wonder and horror seems to have satisfied itself for these simple and unfulfilling gratifications. Again, perhaps only in the ‘western’ world- though that was a global phenomenon for a quick minute. But even in places of less peace than the land of milk and honey (blood-soaked in its own right, in many ways), our impulses seem to be feeding a reduction in our at least perceived evolution. The love of people lost in warzones only makes a more visceral hate as reply. Something I thought was better known than it seems to be. And the potential totality of destruction possibly on time’s horizon- I’m not sure it is something we can survive.

     Yet, I know, that we must. Impossible dreams, and such.

And while this future I seem to keep dreaming as possible is desperately lacking in leadership, I don’t think it is exactly leaders that we need. At least not the narcissistic being occupying many of those posts currently. And again, if you think I am either talking about one that you like or don’t like and not referring to the one that you don’t like or do like, please understand that I am likely referring to all of them. Because this world seems to be littered with ‘leaders’ who think along the ideas that being ‘first’ makes you a leader. It doesn’t. Nor does making sure that all danger is avoided and mitigated or absorbed by others so you can proceed.

What we need now is honesty and discussion. Not boastful attempts at divine truths. That isn’t honesty, that is cowardice. To say you know exactly what to do is a lie. To admit uncertainty, while holding a willingness to learn and try- that’s a little more on the mark. And discussion is not lecture, or verbal beratement. Good discussion derives itself more from active and attentive listening than anything else. The difference between talking at and talking with someone is more paramount than possible ever, or at least thus far.

I suppose keep this in mind, or so I have found throughout my own go about in this life. Liars claim honesty. Cowards boast about bravery. And good listeners are told they are such by other folks, and certainly don’t profess to be that themselves.

And so you know that I mean it, I’ll tell you this- I don’t know what we should do. I have a few ideas what we shouldn’t, but how exactly to create some better world, there are only a scant few ideas hovering about my head and the air around conversations I’ve had with friends. But I’m not unwilling to hear something I’ve never heard, or think a thought entirely novel to me. And being wrong is a part of life that I know I cannot avoid. Just ask anyone I’ve ever dated.

*ba-dum-tss*

And maybe all this thinking of the world and the future and the species is just my self-serving distraction from personal faults and failures that I am unable to correct or confront. Maybe as an aging millennial man, I cannot seem to escape my own diminishing future and attempt to romanticize some days long gone. And maybe the weights are feeling heavy, or I have just grown weak.

Yet there is still strength left. I always find some for myself when helping others. The ones I love and those I don’t even know. And being mindful of what you might mean to other folks does help stabilize the dark designs and overactive ming might meander about.

Either way, that’ll do for this evening. Until we meet again, my darling blank page.